This Year Has Been The Worst…

but it has also been the best.

This week I say goodbye to my first apartment. Some could argue that it technically isn’t my first apartment but I think of it that way. Even though I moved out of my parents house when I was 18 and into an apartment that just I was responsible for, I was spending all my free time with someone else. I wasn’t every really alone in that apartment. He was almost always there with me. So this was a new experience for me. I moved into an apartment that was all mine. 

The first night that I spent in my first apartment was terrifying. Everything was in boxes and I plugged in my TV, crossing my fingers that I’d be able to set up my internet all by myself. But I couldn’t get it to work. I wanted to be back in my safe apartment with the person I had spent the last five years with. I desperately wanted to call someone for help, someone to just come over and fill the silence. The loneliness crashed in on me as I pushed the reset button on my router for the tenth time and I sat in the middle of my 500 sq foot apartment and cried. 

But then I remembered that I chose this. I chose to leave my life before and to end my long term relationship. I chose to be alone because I knew in my heart that that is what I needed. So I wiped my tears and called the internet company only to find out that I had skipped a really obvious step in turning on my internet. I remember laughing at myself as I got my PlayStation connected and turned on Netflix, starting The Office which is one of the things that makes me laugh like crazy.

This apartment has slowly became my safe haven. My own space! It became what I always wanted, what I wished for and dreamed about for the last five years. This apartment became the place that I learned to love the fact that I could sleep in the middle of my bed. I began to cherish the ability to sleep like a starfish. I learned to love coming home and sitting in the quiet, before I turned on my TV and watched whatever the heck I wanted. It’s where I played my music really loud and cried while watching Moana. This apartment is where I left my dishes in the sink for days and didn’t get yelled at for not being what someone else wanted me to be. This apartment is where I had the freedom to find out who I really wanted to be and what path I wanted to head down.

It hasn’t been perfect every day. There have been days in the last few weeks where I come home and the loneliness smacks me right in the face, leaving my skin burning. But change isn’t meant to be easy. Learning about yourself isn’t meant to be a cake-walk. I knew it would be hard when I chose this path and I’m glad that I have the support that I do. I have unwavering support from my parents, my friends and most important from God. He’s always there to pull the loneliness off of me when I start to feel like I’m suffocating.

I love this apartment. I love these last three months. This year has been hard, I’ve made hard decisions but I’m so grateful I did because I haven’t felt this happy in so long. I’m genuinely sad to say goodbye to my first apartment apartment but I’m excited about the opportunities that are ahead of me. 

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