Not Lonely, Just Alone

The one question people keep asking me is: why did you move?

It’s an obvious question and one that isn’t simply answered. If I wanted to give people the really true answer, I’d have to go back to the beginning of the year and I don’t really have that kind of time with everyone who asks me. But I’ve started to think about it more and more as I am living out this whole on my own thing.

But first, a side note: have you watched Demi Lovato’s documentary yet? If not, GO WATCH IT NOW. I watched it while facetiming my best friend and it was amazing. But there’s this part where she talks about Wilmer, her ex boyfriend. They dated for 6 years and the world was heartbroken when they announced their split from each other, most especially me. In the documentary, she talks about why they broke up. She doesn’t really get into specifics but she talks about how she needed to learn how to be alone, how to be herself and be independent. You guys, this whole part made me cry so hard.

It made me cry so hard because I felt like she was talking straight to me! It made me feel like I’m not alone because that’s exactly what I did. I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years because I’d been with him since I graduated high school and didn’t even know who I WAS. I’d never been alone and was SO co-dependent on him. It was terrifying and one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but I’m glad I did. I don’t have any regrets because how can I function in a relationship if I can’t even function by myself? It was just so crazy to see Demi Lovato, someone I’ve admired since I was a teenager, going through the same thing as me.

OKAY, back to the matter at hand: why did I move?

The short answer I tell people is, “I just felt like I should move here for a new adventure!” But it’s more than that.

It’s that I made a major life change by ending my LTR and needed to make this time of my life count! Why stay in the same place I’ve always been and not set foot outside my comfort zone? You guys know that this move hasn’t been without its bumps for me but I know that it was the right thing to do because I’ve found peace in being alone.

It took me a while to enjoy being alone, spending hours alone watching TV, writing or going out to dinner by myself. BUT I love it. I love getting to do exactly what I want and not having to care what someone else thinks. I’m not without my days of wishing that I had a cute boy to tell me that I’m pretty, hold my hand and always refill my Diet Coke (like the normal stuff, right?). I even went on a Tinder date! Which was just alright, you know? But it helped me to remember why I made these choices. I didn’t end my LTR to quickly get back into a relationship – that defeats the whole learning to be alone thing

I’ve got rough days FOR sure but I know that learning to be alone and figuring out who the heck I am in this crazy world will help me be a better partner some day.

And for now I get to eat chips in my bed, binge watch whatever I want and figure out how to be a girl boss.